~DISCLAIMER~
The 'Truth or Fiction'
segments are meant to help regular folks deal with the reality of news
headlines, plus you get to
play a game with all of it. It's up to you with magnifying glass over brain
folds to figure out if the stories are real or not.
Some will be legitimate, others will not be. Please take the links below to help
you on this quest and
enjoy the accompanying Podcast segments.
9/22/2006
In a hail of bi-partisan politics over the torturing of terrorists, the Bush
administration received a huge victory yesterday. Even though they have bartered
on their original plan of torturing terrorist suspects, they still are afforded
the full opportunity to torture average Americans with Bush Administration
policies. From now until 2009, an equal blanket of torture will be enforced upon
all Americans whether they voted for Bush or not. Enjoy.
Fact or Fiction
9/11/2006
A new CNN/Gallup poll released today on the 5th Anniversary of the 9/11
terrorist attack that says George W. Bush's re-election was far worse than the
2001 terrorist attacks. Many people recall waking on the morning of November 5,
2004 under a deep blanket of nausea and disbelief. A sensation far greater than
the beastly attacks of 9/11. Fortunately for many Americans, we can forget Bush
after he leaves office on January 20th, 2009.
Fact or Fiction
9/10/06
A group of Republican lawmakers have finally announced that they are going
to act on behalf of the Australian government and hunt for the sting ray that
killed 'The Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin. They have deployed military cruisers,
Navy Seals and other highly skilled personnel. Authorities say that the fish
will be held at Guantanamo Bay in an very cramped aquarium without food or
water. They expect a 'no jury needed' conviction and death by electrocution.
Fact or Fiction
8/24/2006
In light of it's new demotion, the former planet Pluto is going to become a
hot commodity. Memorabilia experts confess that anything referencing Pluto will
skyrocket in value. From children's posters to actual Styrofoam replicas of the
planet circling the sun will become hot items for collectors. It has been
reported that companies all across the country that manufacture likenesses to
Pluto have observed a very reflective and sad moment of silence for the once
mighty planet. The Tombaugh family has not had any comment on the matter in
defense of Claude's amazing discovery. Furthermore, there are already pockets of
blog groups and web sites that still observe Pluto as a planet and will fight
vigorously to retain the crown as the 9th solar system planet.
Fact or Fiction
7/19/2006
The Reuters News Agency has picked up a new exclusive feed by President Bush
during private discussions that uses more explicative's than the shitty
Blair-Bush banter at the recent G8 Summit in Russia. In a conversation with
Secretary of State, 'Condi', in the Oval Office, he refers to his administration
as 'pure shit'. He goes on to say that Dick Cheney should have gone quail
hunting with Donald Rumsfeld to 'legally' eliminate having to force another
cabinet level position into early retirement. Furthermore, he called 'Condi' a
real stand-up bitch leading the hosing of a fucked up West Wing all over bleak
American minds. This is apparently the first in a series of new tapes that, like
everything else bleak about the Bush Administration's actions, will be swept
under the rug as another book on Lewinsky's dress splat gets published.
Fact or Fiction
7/18/06
A combination of US News Agencies, along with the parody newspaper 'The
Onion' have officially reported that there is nothing funny or potentially
funny about the news these days. The global strife caused by Israel, Lebanon,
North Korean, Iran, Iraq and those supporting George W. Bush in the United
States has hit pandemic levels of utter nausea. Typically, there is so much news
to bastardize for cheap comedy, but not these dark days. This is expected to
last until there is a global cease fire or everyone ignores news headlines.
Fact or Fiction
7/17/2006
In response to an extreme heat wave in many parts of the US, along with
meteorologists announcing red alerts, most people have confused these with the
terrorism scale. As most know, the red alert is the most severe, and many
convenience stores sold out of water, lighter fluid, bullets, eye goggles,
whiskey and contraceptives. Following reports flooding into news agencies from
retail corporate offices, press releases we issued to calm fears. In essence,
all is well as the ozone crumbles and the grip of global warming expands further
into all skins.
Fact or Fiction
6/27/2006
On the heels of getting apprehended in a Florida airport for having Viagra
with the wrong name on the bottle, conservative figure head Rush Limbaugh has
notched him an esteemed post within the current Republican line-up. Some
insiders say that now he's aptly qualified for a real position within the Bush
White House. He could qualify as a top advisor to the Surgeon General on sexual
issues or be relegated to a top position in 'DARE' drug awareness program. Many
in the media have decried Limbaugh as a dick unwilling to gain anymore lift than
he already has as a blatant fucker. Be sure that more will come on this stiff
issue of a rising Republican fucker with illegal blue dope.
Fact or Fiction
6/26/2006
A recent study conducted by Rutgers University asked nearly 7,000 folks if
they believe that President Bush has been sober during his entire run as
President. Over 94% of respondents believe this is a lie and concur that the
results of his work has to be the toil of someone drunk. Furthermore, 87% of
survey respondents believe that everything that comes from this administration
is a lie. One more interesting find in this survey was that those who never
drank or sparsely drank have hit the bottle hard since the Bush Administration
has been in office to lead us into two wars, possibly two more before they leave
office, bankrupting the country into a deficit never seen before, eroding all
environmental controls, hijacking the supreme court, humiliating gays and
lesbians, along with alienating anyone that is not rich and white in this
country. Finally, the liquor of choice was either whiskey or grain alcohol.
Cheers.
Fact or Fiction
6/25/2006
This afternoon the FBI is set to issue an apology for arresting and defaming
the seven men accused of being a jihad targeting the Sears Tower and buildings
in Miami as as part of a terror plot. Apparently the group of men are the former
members of the rap group 2 Live Crew. As shock musicians, they were planning a US-wide tour that was going to
begin in Miami, swing through Chicago and head towards LA. The ire of their plan
was the fact that they were trying to learn the customs of Islam, along with
using harsh terrorist language, to lure in fans with controversial new material
more imaginative than a girl's ass on an album cover. Since the band
has been mired in chart topping controversy since they hit the stage in the late 80's, the are
shocked at recent allegations. Recent arrests have foiled this once promising reunion tour.
Fact or Fiction
6/21/2006
A collaboration of ideas on wormholes and time travel proposed by Dr.
Stephen Hawking and other notable scientists have spurned a new Iraqi pullout
strategy being proposed by politicians on both sides of the political aisles.
Spearheaded by Senator Kennedy, the idea is to have NASA fast-track a secret
rocket that can carry a robot into space to go back into time. Once this is
done, the robot will eliminate the existence of the fatal 48-hour speech given
by President Bush on St. Patrick's Day in 2003 before the invasion. In addition,
Bush would be whisked away for mandatory shock therapy to eradicate any false
theological voices ruminating through his head. The idea has been catching steam
and making it's way onto a number of blog sites around the world. Ultimately,
this will mean that the Iraq War never happened and we could look forward to
lower gas prices and a new President in 2004.
Fact or Fiction |
Podcast
6/20/06
A new Google spurned viral worm is attacking
hard drives around the country. It was a little known virus that has caught
steam due to the incredulity of it's origins. Apparently when users type in the
word 'horrible' into Google's main search parameters, exactly 14,800,000
hits on Courtney Love come up and once the first link is clicked, a user's
computer completely shuts down. Following the shut down, systems reboot with a
'hard disk failure'. Users are livid and Google has banned the word from being
typed into their search engines. This isn't the first time that Courtney Love
has caused universal heart break and permanent harm to objects. Publicists for
Ms. Love have no comment.
Fact or Fiction |
Podcast
6/19/2006
Pediatricians nationwide have been reporting an odd phenomena of babies
having the words 'made in china' scrawled faintly on the inside of their ankles.
It's usually in a dim red color and it's much deeper than a tattoo. Doctors have
said that there is no way to remove the mark except by the use of costly
cosmetic surgery to borough down and remove the mysterious insignia. Experts
claim that this is nature's way of inflicting karmic shame on new American borns
due to the shipment of most of our menial labor overseas. US Officials have
declined comment on this new emergence of 'made in china' American babies.
Fact or Fiction |
Podcast
6/16/2006
On the heels of poking fun unknowingly at a a blind man during a recent news
conference, President Bush has gone on to ridicule the deaf in America. During
his most recent radio address to the nation, he said that 'the deaf are
nothing more than glorified half-wits feeding of the socialized dime of
America's pursuit to save the handicapped.' Most political analysts have
conceded that they aren't sure what Bush was saying and Bush hasn't elaborated
further on his confusing commentary since the nationwide address. The National
Council of the Deaf haven't even heard what Bush spouted and declined comment on
pure, unaltered ignorance. Furthermore, an Oxford study conducted in March 2006
noted that one of the happiest groups of people in the United States are the
deaf due to the simple fact that they don't have to hear the sprawling stupidity
of the most powerfully inept men in the Western world.
Fact or Fiction |
Podcast
6/15/06
A large collection of law enforcement divisions across the United States
have been grappling with a new phenomenon called 'stay the course' fever. It has
particularly been concentrated in the Midwest and southern portions of America.
According to police chiefs, a large number of drunk drivers, burglars, armed
robbers, murderers and drug offenders have been blamed on them proclaiming to
'staying the course'. In other words, folks breaking the law are unanimously
telling officers that all they are doing is 'staying the course' in their lives.
In fact, most of these folks genuinely believe they haven't done anything wrong
and fail to plead guilty. All these law breakers say is that they are merely
staying the course. Some in the media have blamed the prevalence of illiterate
bushims for this recent surge in crime as law enforcement departments continue
to trim staff due to inadequate funds.
Fact or Fiction |
Podcast
6/14/06
A group of Republican Senators are pushing for a full investigation and
hearings on exactly how long Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was alive after getting
pummeled by a US-led missile strike. Competing reports have gone from him dying
instantly to hanging on for 56 minutes after the blaze of military Armageddon
ended. Essentially, these Senators are seeking more airtime on what they
proclaim as the only noteworthy item reported on in regards to the Iraqi war for
the past 2 years or more. Political pundits are fuming at the stupidity of such
maneuvers that have marked the entirety of Bush's miserably led excuse for
democracy and effective politics.
Fact or Fiction |
Podcast
6/11/06
Former TV Star Gabe Kaplan, from television's 'Welcome Back, Kotter', has
decided to go on a hunger strike in protest of the Iraqi war and harmful Bush
administration policies. Friends close to Kaplan say he's a very serious man
filled with both remorse and conviction over the current state of America.
Insiders say that there is a good chance he will succeed and never be 'welcomed
back' anywhere as the theme song blares over another wounded Brooklyn High
School graduate coming home from Iraq.
Fact or Fiction |
Podcast
6/10/06
A press conference has been called to be held within the next week by
conservative hate-monger Ann Coulter to issue a very important statement.
Insiders have said her comments could vary from issuing apologies for fucking
everyone's ears into a potential hearing lawsuit or simply to say 'sorry' for
slandering the widows of 9/11 victims. A very reliable source who was just fired
from FoxNews has anonymously leaked that Coulter is actually a 6-year old
Connecticut girl in pig tails. Through the use of stilts, stunt make-up, tacky
blond wigs and constant urging by her empty big brother, Sean Hannity, she has
been fooling all of us for some time now. Apparently this girl doesn't even know
who George Bush is and would like to apologize to all Americans for espousing
such hateful, discriminatory shit that has befallen all ears in it's errant
path. Finally, he said the main similarities between the real and fake Coulter
is that they have both been single for their entire lives.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
6/9/2006
Contrary to early economic indicators, the price of the barrels that are
carrying and holding crude oil have gone up dramatically. The materials needed
for the construction of these materials are oil based and have gone up almost
300% since the beginning of 2006. This spells doom for barrels of all sorts.
Rodeo clowns have been quoted as being very afraid that budgets will be cut to
the point that all they will have are baggy clothes and bright paint to deter
raging bulls instead of their beloved barrels. Major home improvement outlets
such as Home Depot have reported that they are raising prices on trash barrels,
wheel barrels and a whole crop of other barrel items. The strangest price hike
will be on the revered toy, 'barrel of monkeys'. Consumers will see
prices rise $3-5 per toy barrel. Economists suggest that this could create a
domino effect of rising prices on goods-carrying vessels and the next projected
price hike will be on cups, glasses, vases and assorted republican profits.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
6/8/2006
Confirmed media reports say that a large group of cameramen continue to film
a photograph of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's body following his exuberant killing in
Iraq. There is further evidence that cameramen are filming the cameramen filming
the now infamous photograph circulating the world. Other reputable news agencies
report further that a group of cameramen are filming the 2nd group of cameramen
filming the original group of cameramen filming the Pentagon published picture
of the extinguished insurgent leader. To top all of this off, Fox News has
published reports that regular viewers are now shooting both video and photo of
their television screens once the photograph of the cameramen filming the al-Zarqawi
death photo appears on their screens. Reports continue to flood the internet
about impulsive filming of existing photographs ranging from al-Zaqwi to Osama
bin Laden shown on television screens. Viewers are urged to relax caged impulses
and avoid outlets selling both photographic and video equipment for fear of
chaotic stampedes of rabid memory makers.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
6/7/2006
The Government of India has announced ambitious plans to clone a child using
the DNA structure of the 3-armed child that was recently born in China. Indian
officials have contacted the Chinese government and have been granted access to
a bit of the DNA structure that bore this 3-armed baby. Once the DNA structure
is secured, Indian scientists will fervently work on trying to add another arm
to the cloned dish in hopes of trying to replicate a Four Handed Lord Vishnu.
They are trying to do this in light of the fervent theological war currently
highlighted on the world stage between the Christian West and Islamic East. They
want to weigh in with the world's third largest religion of Hinduism. Their
rationale is that the physical representation of one of their many gods will
positively illuminate the virtues of their religion and possibly halt the
current theological battle that could end badly.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
6/6/2006
The White House has officially announced that they will not hold a press
conference today, but have confirmed that President Bush feels unusually spry
and strong today. Nothing more than that was issued in the brief press release.
Furthermore, insiders say that this anointed day dubbed '666' is a sunny day for
the ultimate charlatan in the west wing. Furthermore, if you are homosexual,
Hispanic, female, liberal, of democratic roots or otherwise not tied in with the
Republican upper crust, beware of this day and look over your shoulders. Today
is the day for Bush and his Republican allies to pull the proverbial NSA wool
over everyone's eyes while trying to sneak midnight legislation through the meat
grinder. Good luck, kids.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
6/5/2006
In response to Bush's push to put a constitutional amendment in place to ban
gay marriages, the Democrats are coordinating their rebuttal. Headed by Delaware
Senator Joseph Biden, the response is to categorically bar heterosexual
marriages that are a potential embarrassment and headed towards imminent
doom. On the basis of looks, gait, breath smell, alcoholic intake, drug history
and sexual resume will be just the tip of criteria that could allow the
US government to kill a marriage before the walk begins. The Democrats have been
very clear that discrimination should extend to everyone seeking life-long matrimony and shared
insurance benefits.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
6/1/2006
The Department of Defense announced an addendum to the new 'ethics training'
that soldier's will have to do in light of recent wrongful civilian killings in
Iraq. Rumsfeld said that planes flying over regions that will be potential
strikes on ground will first be bombarded with a load of snack cakes and hard
candies. The logic is that all people on the ground will feel the warm pang of
democratic sweetness before any potential strike that could wrongfully kill
innocent Iraqi folks. In addition, foot soldiers are encouraged to always have a
box of twinkies or ding dongs on hand to give to a host of doomed democratic
Iraqi's.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
5/31/06
The famous runaway bride from Atlanta, Georgia, Jennifer Wilbanks, has again
skipped town on the dude she got cold feet with months back when she was
wrongfully reported to be missing. While in hiding, she wire tapped a news
release to the media saying the following: 'I have decided to retire from my
marriage retirement. I have decided to find a better target for my cowardly
running energy - Corporate America. I'm going to find a good paying executive
secretary position and just not show up to work whenever I feel like it. I
figure that is an admirable display of my flailing integrity and will
continually give me something to run away from for the rest of my life without
having to ever think about the pain of possible marriage and commitment to most
anything. I know this is brief and ambiguous, but I have to leave now."
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
5/30/06
The newly created government department dubbed the 'No Shit Department'
released their first bit of news to the public today. In a brief statement, they
confirmed a recent survey by Quinnipiac University stating that George W. Bush
is the worst President since 1945. Against the urging of their hiring Republican
hands, they added that he is obviously the worst President to ever illegally
steal one election and Ohio another. Amid falling poll numbers and heated
exchanges at press conferences, Press Secretary Tony Snow had this to say about
the new survey: 'Um, we never read or participate in partisan news headlines.
President Bush is flat against reading all together. In fact I don't even read
news headlines. Prior to this position, I was only an intern journalist at Fox
News sniffing out what I wanted to be when I grow up. By the way, this is
another stop on the proverbial gravy train. I'll let you know what career I
decide upon.'
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
5/29/2006
The American Civil Liberties Union, ACLU, announced early this morning in a
sparsely attended news conference that they were going to make toy dolls of
world dictators to combat the ills of falling membership numbers and the rising
costs of lawyer fees. Their fist doll release will be the 'Love Me Sadaam
Prison Doll'. This doll will be a replica of a captured and imprisoned
Saddam Husseinl. Kids can change his clothes, diapers and toy rifles, along with
regular toy maneuvers. Also, you can accessorize this doll by purchasing an
accompanying palace with an elaborate indoor pool to reenact the good old days.
The next doll planned for production is Slobodan Milosevic.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
5/26/2006
Recently crowned American Idol winner, Taylor Hicks, has been approached to
be the Democratic front runner for President in 2008. Since the latest Idol
season drew more votes than any Presidential election ever, they believe he
would be a lock in '08. Insiders say that he wouldn't be hurt by not having a
lick of a political background. Essentially, he would be a mouthpiece for behind
the scenes political strategists and would sing every speech or statement he
would make. The American public agrees that horrible news would be more easily
digestible if it was 'Clintonized' by a melodic sing-song harmony. Strategists
also added, 'The Presidency is not only for ex-actors. Musicians are equally
qualified.'
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
5/25/2006
CNN Host and Anchor Lou Dobbs made an interesting offer last night during
his news segment. He has pitched the idea to the President and White House to
have an old fashioned fist fight on the grounds of Bush's Crawford Ranch with
George. His proposed duel comes in light of mounting public scrutiny and anger
against the ruination of America the Bush Administration is successfully
leading. Dobbs contests that this modern era of scare tactics and truth evading
politics is not working. The winner of the fight will get to dictate their
demands. For Dobbs, he will demand a national televised speech by Bush in prime
time to come clean about dishonesty about Iraq, oil, the environment and all
political rhetoric. Dobbs concluded by saying that Bush could take a couple of
days to let his cuts heal before facing the camera lens.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
5/24/2006
Kearny, Missouri - Local resident John Smith is considering legal
action against a longtime friend, Lonnie Chambers, for blowing his chances to
marry his long-time girlfriend, Lucy Whiles. As it happened, Lucy asked John
about his cultural hipness and awareness in a passing conversation. She was
thinking he was rather close minded and wanted some proof that he has some well
rounded hip points. To this end, John said that he would prove to her that he
was the one grounded in hip soil. Not only was he going to prove is worth, it
was going to coincide with him asking Lucy if she would take the walk down the
aisle with him for a lifetime together. John contacted Lonnie about getting a
Barry White Greatest Hits collection together for him to set the mood. Since
Lonnie was well versed in the musical arts with a sprawling personal library, he
asked him to burn him down a CD of Barry's finest. When the big night came, John
put in the CD, lit the candles, readied his ring box, and was going do it up
right. As he hit play on the CD player, wheeled around to ask his girl for the
ultimate date, the sounds of AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long", and
as he hit next, Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name". From there, the
list grew worse. Songs from Van Halen, Cindarella, Michael Bolton and such were
on the compilation. At this, Lucy refused his insulting show of cultural hipness
and abruptly ended any chances at engagement. A furious John got in touch with
Lonnie for an explanation and all Lonnie could say was the following: 'After
we talked the other night, all I remember you asking me was for a compilation of
Very White music.' John's anger has only intensified and his search for a
reputable lawyer continues. We will update this story as it develops.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
5/23/2006
The Kansas City Royals Baseball Team lost it's 10th straight game last night
and have the worst record in Major League Baseball. In the midst of swirling
rumors on what to do to combat this early season skid, owner David Glass broke
his silence and commented on a remedy. He said the most effective option would
be to end the season for the Royals immediately. Following this, the stadium
would be turned into an enormous dance floor for a carte blanche rotation of
dance events instead of baseball games for the remainder of the season. The
focus will be disco and hard liquor. All season ticket owners will be
reimbursed, but are strongly urged to stay on and dance this miserable season
away. Then, all players will be dispatched to quality teams in big cities with
ample budgets due to collective bargaining arrangements to be bat boys, golf
caddies and practice pals to other viable ball players. This proposed plan will
alleviate that nasty small market losing stench for players, and give Kansas
City a dancing alternative to a huge losing skid season after season and making
sure that they realize that 1985 will be the only year this town will win
anything more than a nationwide laugh when the sport standings are cracked open
in fresh morning paper after fresh morning paper.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
5/22/2006
United States Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez announced yesterday that
Congress will soon pass a resolution saying that English is the primary language
of America. Although, several stipulations arise from this new legislation. The
state of Montana will not be included in this bill. They will adopt Spanish as
their first language. Gonzalez told Meet the Press on Sunday that this will
happen for two reasons. The state is much too white and due to new Republican
led legislation to jeopardize a large quadrant of folks that are the backbone of
early 20th Century immigration, it will give Hispanic folks a land of safe
refuge. Finally, Gonzalez noted that President Bush will not be penalized for
his inability to speak English or comprehend what the word 'Spanish' means.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
5/19/2006
New White House Press Secretary Tony Snow conceded and threw out his first
solid snow job while at the helm of the ultimate lying post in the USA. He said
that the Bushies are indeed wiretapping regular Americans, but not via phone
calls that has been reported by the New York Times and USA Today. Apparently, a slew
of rodent exterminators have infiltrated public and government spaces across the
country to put bugging devices in all bathrooms. The logic is that most
terrorists hang out in bathrooms and any coercive maneuvers that
might be hatched by statesiders would ultimately be cracked while on the toilet,
at the urinal or in front of a sink & mirror. Many naysayers in the media pool were
pissed off saying that it was a bunch of shit. Snow's only rebuttal was to cut
off the questioning for a bathroom break.
Fact or Fiction
|
Podcast
