From the Files of the Obvious - Truly Funny Shit
Laughter is good for the heart because it prolongs life while
depression increases the risk of an early death, according to two new studies.
While laughter should not replace exercise, they recommend that you try to laugh
on a regular basis. Fifteen minutes of laughter on a daily basis is probably
good for the vascular system.
Fact or Fiction
It was reported in an anonymous schoolhouse in Rhode Island that a kid laid down a huge permanent red pen on the playground dirt and a dot has subsequently leaked to China. There have been several reports from Chinese officials that they were afraid that the ground was bleeding. Nothing doing, the kid in Rhode Island that absent mindedly put the marker on the ground has stepped forward and admitted guilt. Investigators are currently interrogating the 6-year old boy to see if he has any terrorist connections.
According to reports leaked to a Kansas City Star Reporter, Mayor Barnes and a unanimous City Council group have approved new measures for downtown Kansas City. They are going to upend all of downtown, infiltrate water around it and make it an island ferry casino boat. The idea is to make it a challenge to get onto the island via Venecian style logic and once on the island you have to put coins in slots everywhere to access buildings and services. Wandering suburbanites, according to unnamed planners, are only going to be attracted to the barren grounds of downtown KC by a somewhat legitimate promise to strike riches.
THE STUPIDIST FUCKING HEADLINE I WISH I MADE
UP
Report: Nearly Half of HIV Adults Are Women
Women make up nearly half of the 37.2 million adults living with HIV and in
sub-Saharan Africa the proportion rises to almost 60 percent, according to a UN
report released on Tuesday. "Increasingly the face of AIDS is young and female,"
said Dr Kathleen Cravero, deputy executive director of the Joint United Nations
Program on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS).
Fact or Fiction
I've been trying to concoct a real blockbuster
stage play that will encapsulate our modern times with a twist. My thought is to
draft a Kafka-esque style story about a guy that wakes up as a big sack of
balls. It will be a heart warming tale about a regular-independent/democrat one
day and a Republican the next. So, this sack of balls wakes up as a Republican
and carries on all of those ideals of a good set of balls or republican. The
winning characteristics will be showing too much skin up top, wierd crops of
hair in odd places, constricted movement once tucked into pole position and
constantly wanting to hang out with dicks. Remember Dick Cheney? The story is
developing .. so stay tuned ..
In my abject attempt to rid my day job and get
some extra cash, I am selling pregnant belly rubs for $5 a piece via my wife. For nieghbors,
school kids and the general driving public, we have a lemonade style stand with
a huge sign saying: 'BELLY RUBS FOR 5 BUCKS.' Stop by, if you wanna feel life
forming. Also, my gut's big enough for a rub at a male discounted rate of nine
cents apiece.
Fact or Fiction
I left my keys in the ignition and doors unlocked in one of the most crime
riddled quadrants of Kansas City this morning. It was an accident, but worked to
my favor. It was a mid-80's Jeep Cherokee - the easiest car on the planet to
break into. If anyone stopped by, they probably thought it was a huge, fat joke.
Fact or Fiction
The told me that if you haven't heard it, it's
just not worth hearin' and walked away. So, I asked, 'IF IT'S NOT WORTH HEARIN',
THEN HOW DID I HEAR YOU?' At this, they threw me an unmarked CD that had LISTEN
scrawled in big black letters on the front of the CD. I put it in the CD player
and all it played back was the sounds of loud white noise with a faint whisper
every 10 seconds that said 'yes'.
Fact or Fiction
The other morning I got so relaxed about things, I drove straight to the
airport. Once there, I flipped out my phone and called my wife. I said, 'JUST
GOT TO WORK.' She asked my why it was so loud and it was then that I completely
fucking forgot where I worked at in the first place.
Fact or Fiction
The sour, bitter taste of politics is again returning to many in the US,
according to published reports. Now that the re-election of Satan has sunk in,
many nay sayers are returning slowly into the fluidity of society. Yes, it's
back. That old familiar taste of anti-everything politics minced with the faint
taste of tooth blood after a good dental cleaning. Welcome back and the first
shot of hooch is on us.
Fact or Fiction
The woman with a man's voice and no shoes
approached me by the work coffee machine and asked me about 4 inches from my
face the following question: ‘WOULD YOU STILL BELIEVE IN THIS REALITY IF I
DIDN’T EXIST?’ And I told her it all depended on where she bought her pants.
A recent collection of findings from British scientists conclude that Turks living in the United States have a high level of anxiety during the Thanksgiving holiday. The only true finding in their theory is that maybe all the folks from Turkey are nervous about the immediate sleepiness brought on by tryptophan after slicing into that delicious winter bird. National origin and bird have not been inextricably tied together as of yet.
The three apostles just below the 10th and Wyandotte bridge in the morning time have suggested that they know when the world is gonna end. There has been no media coverage or serious clamoring about these guys. You think the prophets are gonna be adorned in expensive cloth in high rise buildings? This is why Bush is back in office, folks. Let’s just listen to the boys under the bridge in their once set of cloth blowing their hot coffee mist around.
A recent CNN/Gallup Poll found that 98% of the folks who work in Corporate America are more likely to be unemployed and driveling in stupidity than those that are already not working and driveling in stupidity.
A man kept yelling at me ‘SRAM NO RETAN!’ when I walked from my car into the medical building I work at. This happened for several days until I finally executed my hunch and asked him to read the first word on a nearby sign. The sign began with ‘LOOK’ and the man said, ‘KOOL.’ And the mystery was fixed. I don’t want to sound backwards, but I think that there may be water on Mars.
The French are going overboard with condiments. According to reports in a the Parisian newspaper, Le Monde, folks are having French Fry parties next to large pools filled with mayonnaise. Participants hang around by the pool and just dip their food in the gallons of nearby mayonnaise and occasionally a drunken French person will take a dive. According to eye witness reports, the glops of mayonnaise that fly from a person taking a dive just makes the culinary experience that much more enjoyable.
In a private conversation between Donald Rumsfeld and a close friend, Donnie finally recognized the difference between his boss (George W. Bush) and his own wife. It had been cited for months that the cooky motherfucker an inch away from the red button had lost his cool with reality and kept blurring lines between people that were close, but different.
In response to increased consumer demand on exhibiting their flair for every single cause known to Americans, the Ford Motor Company has designed a car to accommodate that desire. It’s going to be called ‘Ribbon’ and the car will be shaped like a big ribbon. With the help of lights and a special phosphorescent body design, the owner can change colors to accommodate different causes. Whether yellow for AIDS or the American flag for US troops overseas, anything you like to show off to the world that you really care. If the cost of a car, some stickers and a magnet aren’t enough for you, then get really fucking proud and own this new automatic orgasm.
Election officials are noticing a strange new phenomenon in the coloring of the Presidential map. It appears that there aren’t only red and blue colors. The new color purple has been showing up with the mincing of red and blue. The Christian Coalition and Holy Crusaders across the USA are crying gay conspiracy and demanding a complete re-coloring of the American map.
American officials have announced that the Chinese are making study pilgrimages here to the USA much more frequently since 2000. They are studying stupidity in the political process of America and are having great success, especially with the re-election of Bush. Chinese officials claim that no where in Asia can they find the stupidity they can find in the good old United States of America.
The rest of the waking world outside America, over a week since electing George Bush as US President again, has banded together to send a box of chocolates to everyone that didn’t vote for Bush as a utter apology for the sorry state of this country ready sink like an embroiled lie.
A new report out of Scientific America has found that during the week of
November 1 - 7 there was record apathy across the United States. Coupled with
this apathy, was a general air of disparity that resulted in a number of things
taking place. Namely, a conscientious dog owner in upper New Hampshire befell to
sad news that his 9 year old chocolate lab ran away from home. As of press time,
he was no where to be found. In addition, the depleted energy of the nation led
to the re-election of George W. Bush. Smart people in America and around the
world can only default to utter, miserable apathy for such a dismal week.
Scientists are even baffled and have decided to run DNA on several US Republican subjects
localized during that historically shitty week.
Fact or Fiction
I am in the process of unveiling plans to become the 'FUTURE POET'. To this end,
I am gearing up for my profitable future in writing poems. Shortly after many
Americans have chips implanted in their wrists, I will produce large bundles of
poetry with bar codes encoded on the pages. I will distribute randomly and
errantly in streets, sidewalks and other locales that will prompt people to pick
them up. Once they do, my bar code with be automatically scanned by the wrist
chip and one dollar will be deposited into my real account. Whether readers like
it or not, I'm making up for lost time as 'FUTURE POET'. So, be careless at what
you pick up with your wrists, because I'm gonna be counting.
Fact or Fiction
Our two house cats have had puncture wounds on their bodies in very strange,
unexplained circumstances. Around these wounds are what look like shaved regions
that make the mystery even steeper. In addition, the wife and I are experiencing
odd dreams at night, hearing strange sounds outside and constantly have the
feeling like someone is watching us. The cats have an odd orange glow in their
eyes, instead of the customary red, and it is a concerning neighbors that catch
them in their crosshairs. Our guess is alien probes and now we look up into the
sky more now than we ever have combined in our entire 65 years together on
earth.
Fact or Fiction
The devil, better known as Satan, will sit down this week with Charlie Rose for
a full hour interview on 60 Minutes II. He will talk about his recent successful
re-election and how he used fraudulent Christian terms dripping in fake theology
to sucker over 52 million Americans into believing his familiar deception.
Fact or Fiction
The bunny rabbit from the Trix Cereal fame was busted this afternoon on a
prostitution ring when he was caught in sexually suspicious activities with
Sugar Bear. Bad oats are blamed for the rabbit breakdown into sexual truancy and
betraying kids across the globe.
Fact or Fiction
Currently, I am bucking the trend of animal sociology and opposable thumbs by
training our 6 year old black lab how to make a pot of coffee all on his own.
Thus far, he's done nothing but eat all our coffee grounds and spent much time
outside trying to extract it from his colon. We promise progress under the
morning coffee moon.
Fact or Fiction
New reports released today report that President Bush hit a nasty depression
last week when his quota for killing innocent Iraqi's and driving innocent US
soldiers to their grave wasn't met. His hope was to rule over a moderate 50
casualties, and there was only 34.3 reported deaths as of press time. Folks have
been sending their sincerest condolences to our sad commander-in-chief.
Fact or Fiction
Brand new scientific reports claim that of all the domestic and farm animals who
get patted and petted on a regular basis, the horse hates it the most. They
would comment on the situation, but they cannot talk. We just have to trust
these secret scientific studies already conducted.
Fact or Fiction
The web site Amazon.com has announced that they will begin selling small
children and some infants online. The Christian Coalition and moralists in the
Bush camp have been cited as supporting such a measure because it promotes a
healthier economy, stimulates business and they feel that at least people didn't
have abortions. All kids will be sold at a grand internet store opening at
nearly 20% off the price of Russian slaves.
KERRY WINS!
(EYE FUCKIN' SWISH .. )
Researchers and pundits all across the board agreed unanimously that those who voted for John Kerry were pretty fucking cool. On the other hand, the same research disclosed that a majority of folks that voted for Bush were a bunch of square, dull, sheep riddled fuck rocks that wouldn't know what to do if they had factual information.
Yale researchers have found that there is a direct link between the growth of fingernails and increased brain size. If you have radically growing nails, you have a radically growing cranium. In the same vein, as we trim our nails, our brain cells evaporate away as well. Their advice is to treat your fingernails like they’re thinking about something and cut gently for fuck’s sake.
As I whipped my head around to look over at hard traffic approaching my passenger side window on the highway, I saw the reflection ‘GOD FOOD’ flash in the window. At this, I began sweating a bit and wondered how I got wrapped up in this. Is God hungry? Have I forgot to deliver needed food. And I drove nervous for a minute until I looked back and remembered that I left a bag of dog food in the back seat and realized everything was OK. I mean, if God was to eat it would be a huge meal and he would be real damn hungry. Kind of like our dog’s appetite.
Various camps of researchers have found that vague assumptions are just about as good as lies. Furthermore, they advise folks to tread lightly or enter a fictitious life of deception. Good luck.
In Cassia County Idaho the local government have officially outlawed mullets. Their decision came to the derision of many mullet wielding citizens who are going to try and appeal the decision. If anyone is caught with a mullet in Cassia after November 1, 2004, they will publicly have their genitals and head shaved in front of the county courthouse at a pre-announced time.
A 17-year old teen by the name of Chip Weedlow in Salt Lake City, Utah has decided to change his name in order to support the US men and women in uniform across the globe. His name is simply going to be ‘AMERICAN STICKER’. He figures this should prove to everyone that he’s patriotic and that he’s not a terrorist.
I was talking to a neighborhood parent the other day and I heard an interesting bit of information about a Muslim school up the street. Apparently, a class of nearly 21 3rd graders decided to donate their fingerprints to American science for further investigation into the mystery of fingerprints. But, teachers and local Muslims halted this act of goodwill. Their reasoning was that these kids need no other reason to be indicted under the current US government. One anonymous source close to these innocent kids and their near decision to offer the US government good will said this: ‘SOONER THAN LATER, THESE KIDS WILL END UP IN A PRISON CAMP INDEFINETELY WITHOUT REPRESENTATION, OR FIGHTING ANOTHER AMERICAN WAR GUARANTEEING FREEDOM FOR EVERYONE OR JUST SUFFERING THE FATE OF ANOTHER MOSQUE BEING BURNT TO THE GROUND BECAUSE OF A NEW BRAND OF RACISM TEARING THROUGH THE COUNTRY.’ Another anonymous source, a 3rd grader simply named Sadil, was quoted as saying; ‘WE JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND?’
A friend of a friend told me his friend was fairly famous in behavioral science circles for a discovering a weird social quirk. As it happens, this friend of a friend’s name is Antonio and he’s in his early 40’s. Over the course of his life, researchers have found, he has met so many people that he has forgotten his own name. He remembers the names of his wife, kids and other family members, but can’t remember his own. Study after research experiment has baffled researchers. Their trying to pinpoint the condition to diagnose the condition in case it starts happening to all of us in this over stimulation, over populated and over most everything society that we have progressed (digressed) into is well underway.
With only 3 weeks or so before the 2004 Presidential election, I noticed something rather odd this morning on a drive to work. Tailing a standard Fed Ex van I noticed both a George Bush and John Kerry sticker on the back of the vehicle. As I veered around to pass this motor and get a look at the driver, it was looked like a Muslim fella with a turban on his head and a long beard. I swear it looked just like Bin Laden. But, that could be my paranoia with this administration finding Bin Laden before the election to boost Bush poll numbers. Then, I just rested on the fact that it’s likely just a good Halloween costume that is gonna cause a huge highway pile-up at some point today or a reason for law enforcement to touch their guns.
There’s a kid simply known as 'Donnie' in all our circles. He’s known as an eccentric, but once you dig beneath the veneer of his games, he’s just a scared kid masking his insecurities by getting himself wrapped up in warped endeavors. His latest one is to donate his genitals to science once he’s dead. Not his heart, kidneys nor liver. He couldn’t chirp up and donate his good shit to a worthy cause. Instead he’s gonna donate his deflated set of cock and balls. His reasoning, according to confirmed and unconfirmed sources, he has been heard saying repeatedly: ‘THESE SHRIVELED WEIRD LOOKING SKIN MOBS BETWEEN MY LEGS HAVEN’T GIVEN ME A BIT OF FUCKIN' LUCK. MAYBE THEY’LL GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A LONG, SLOW FUCK THEY DESERVE.’ By the way, Donnie has been an ardent asexual for years that doesn’t dabble in the sexual arts.
Folks in anti-war circles have reported that Yoko Ono is brokering a very real deal to buy one minute of prime time on all major US television networks to pose naked, except for former Iraqi dinars taped to her breasts and vagina. She will stand against a white backdrop and a message that says “Stop” painted in black behind her. In addition, she is going to mail 1,100 random citizens an envelope with a dinar covered in fake blood as a rememberance for all the US soldiers that have perished in Iraq. In addition, she will mail about 70,000 or so people $5 bills to honor all the Iraqis that have died and symbolizing all the money this American goverment is making off our grand war machine. Stay tuned.
In soft celebrity news, it has been reported the Liza Minnelli always had an insatiable crush on Liberace back in the day. Sticking to his gay roots, Liberace wouldn’t give her the time of day because he didn’t like girls. Now, researchers want to examine this social condition that Liza has in trying to acquire men who don’t like vaginas and especially not hers. There is no word from the Minnelli camp if she would agree to a swift battery of tests or a mere CAT scan.
A new poll carried out by the Brit paper The Guardian has revealed that most around the world will proceed from not forgetting to 9/11 to absolutely fucking forgetting Bush. This should happen after November 2nd when our joke puppet in the White House prepares for a quick departure into Texan shame and hopefully an international court tribunal.
In medium cities across the country, sightings of Radio City Rockettes carrying out car jackings, robbery and petty crime has been on the rise. Assailants have all been women and have been out in throngs causing a wide spread crime spree for the last several months. Most media outlets have been advised to not report on these crimes, thus fueling the fire. Only one Rockette has been caught and questioned in regards to this rash of deviancy. According to the unnamed Rockette, ‘WE ARE DOING THIS BECAUSE THIS SHOW BUSINESS SHIT IS TOUGH AS HELL. IT’S HARD. WE NEED TO RETAILIATE.’
Anti-terror authorities are baffled that an 8-year old kid in Cleveland, Ohio checked out a library book all on his own. He checked out the book, Curious George Goes to the Beach. Authorities are looking into possible connections that this regular reading American kid may have with Al Qaeda or pro-Jihad thugs.
Cary Sherman, President, Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has been detained by the ‘creative police’ in a sting of individuals downloading illegal music. In an absolute shame to the legal digital downloading wave, Cary is in the center of a very real scandal. According to his confessionals and admission, he was merely downloading music to see how it worked. He had never had the chance to really do it for his own on his own PC and in the privacy of his home. After turning over his home and exhaustive interviews into a possible conspiracy, the following was found: ‘one kilo of cocaine, a shameful stack of porn, nudes of John Ashcroft in various colored boas and several pounds of pot.’ In addition, he admitted to overseeing the firing of many ambitious musicians from a variety of labels and blocking the mere sampling of many songs on legal downloading services. His shameful record and obvious misgivings will likely be overlooked, according to authorities, because of his work in defending creators in their creativity. As a debt of gratitude, 3 our of 2,200 polled musicians didn't know who the fuck Cary was and those that knew him had no comment on his selfish actions.
Tucked in the back pages of GQ last month was a story about a new, adventurous bar in the bowels of Los Angeles. It’s a regular whiskey tumble bar with all the cheap and expensive beverages folks come to expect from all local bars, but this one has a twist. Once you get blasted out of your gourd, you pay an extra $350 for a daring and fast drive around the city in a rented taxi cab. There are strict rules and participants have to comply or they are promptly dropped from the vehicle at any random spot. Riders have to wear goggles and keep their head shoved out the window like a dog for the entire ride. Slowed up by booze, laughing like a moron and head shoved out like a common dog will finally give high paying folks that free feeling of nothingness they desire in the La La land of common folk dreams.
In the downward spiral of this 2004 political election season it looks as though a rather hefty group of politicians are going to sue a number of folks that either didn’t register to vote or didn’t vote on November 2nd. The exact list of politicians and who they are targeting has been tucked under tight wraps, but it has been endorsed by Bush's highest confidants and a number of Republican Christians. Get ready, the freedom police may be knocking you on your ass if you don’t get off that hole of yours and vote. Stay tuned.
A stack of custodial studies conclude that the biggest janitorial waste of time is cleaning water fountains. According to one leading janitor, ‘COME ON MAN! WITH ALL THE SHIT AND GRIME IN THIS WORLD, THERE’S STILL A THRONG OF FOLKS THAT THINK YOU NEED TO CLEAN AN APPARATUS THAT BY ITS VERY NATURE IS COMPLETELY SELF-EDIFYING AND ABLE TO CLEAN ITSELF. IT’S A JANITOR’S PROCRASTINATING WET DREAM. IT’S THE CHORE THAT AFFORDS YOU A SMOKE WHILE THE BOSS IS ON THE SHITTER.’
I knew this guy one time that had the coolest, most immaculate fireplace I had ever warmed my hands on. His place wasn’t the best in the neighborhood, but he had a fireplace that was solid gold. I asked him where he got all the wood for such a big fireplace and he said from the paper machine and recycle bins. I wasn’t following. He explained that he doesn’t use conventional wood logs. His choice of warm fancy are all the newspapers he can get his hands onto. His logic is that he loves the feel of burning lies all over his hands. I couldn’t argue with the devout fella.
For the second time in a week my lovely wife and I shared the same dream. This morning we admitted that we had the same dream that we went to the voting polls and accidentally picked the entire 2004 Presidential ballot ‘republican’. As we recognized this, we both reached for our coffees in unison and hit our heads so hard that we both forgot what time it was and peed a little in our morning pajama pants.
Reports in the Kansas City Star confirm that a reporter overheard a group of hobo’s underneath the 11th Street bridge in suspicious clothing with poor hygiene talking about yellow cake, and maybe uranium. From published reports, there is a spy reporter that has been hawking this group of 3-5 men (depending on the weather) for nearly a month and just recently contacted the FBI. Conflicting reports from hunger to the jihad have been presumed. Whether or not the FBI has been assigned to the case in nearby KC headquarters is sketchy at best. But, according to a number of folks that know these local panhandlers, the talk was innocent and confined to actual bakery products and talk about blowing news headlines. Reporters have promised to keep us posted on this unfolding story.
Got an e-mail today from a good, trustworthy sort of friend that told me about a Presidential candidate that he is going to throw his support towards in 2004. It’s a man from Maine who has a two pound package of ground chuck. The candidate is simply called ‘Charlie’ and it’s actually a package of beef. The package, and faithful owner, have been on an election swing for votes since early August. Since that time, the package has gotten rather rancid. According to the owner of the packaged candidate, Frank, his philosophy is this .. ‘I WANTED TO HAVE A CANDIDATE THAT WOULD REFLECT THE ENTIRE ELECTORAL PROCESS IN THE UNITED STATES AND THIS BADLY DETERIORATED PACKAGE OF MEAT THAT WILL BE THROWN AWAY AFTER ELECTION DAY IS A METAPHOR FOR WHAT WE ARE DOING NOW. THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOTE ON NOV. 2.’
News reports from several organizations in the US concur on a very strange story. As it happened, there was a famous pickle eating contest in New York in July and a man by the name of Roger McGlogle won a pickle eating contest by ingesting over 74 pickles in 9 minutes. As a result of his win and consequent love of the pickle, his biology has taken a dramatic turn. About a week after his victory, he noticed that his urine consistently had a pickle smell and a faint green hue. This has persisted to this current day. In addition, he has stranger warts that are growing on various regions of his body. Doctors cannot cure the condition and have no way to pinpoint what is going on with Roger. According to Roger, the only anomaly is that he can’t curb his pickle fetish because of his urine problem. Everything is fine until he urinates and the smell of pickles triggers a life long love of the tiny brined cucumber and he has to eat some more. Even when there aren’t pickles in the place, he dashes out after a piss to get a tall, tasty jar after a solid urination.
A good artist friend of mine decides to scrap his day job and current like to pursue art full time. His newest, and most daring creation includes standard canvass, paint balls and a microwave oven. He is placing paint balls in a microwave, along with canvass, and having them blow up on the canvass. This has been the gist and the results, according to her, have been tremendous. Soon, she will be showing her wares at local artist coalitions to see if she can hit the big time. Also, she has legally changed her name to 'radioactive' for audience appeal and stick-to-it-evness.
A new New York Times poll released this morning released odd results to workplace attitudes since the beginning of American election campaigning around June 2004. The study found that many people are losing jobs due to attitude problems. According to 50 supervisors in a variety of disciplines, employees are not taking anything seriously. Their propensity for carrying out simple, serious tasks have taken a serious nose dive. Thus, productivity has suffered, while comedy and laughter has risen. According to every employee dismissed for their slouch demeanor, each one had a unified reason for not taking their work, and consequently their lives seriously. The reason was the fact that President George W. Bush consistently remains the front runner in election ’04 polls. The unequivocal spirit of the people have been altered to levels never before seen in a period of serious recession and insecurity over job security.
In related election news, this one comes from a CNN/Gallup poll run since the second presidential debate. Swing votes, undecideders, Kerry fans and Nader supporters received absolute confirmation that anyone but Bush is better in 2004 after hearing one word during an answer in St. Louis. The word Bush used was ‘INTERNETS’. This was the clincher for folks that already believe that Bush is a complete blob of bacon balls with as much verbal valor as a mouse puking up a hair ball. According to one vocal and energetic responder, ‘IF THIS FUCKING IDIOT CAN'T PRONOUNCE THE WORD ‘INTERNET’ CORRECTLY, THEN HE OBVIOUSLY HAS NOT BUSINESS SPEAKING ABOUT TECHNOLOGY. WHAT IF THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD CANNOT SPEAK INTELLIGENTLY ABOUT TECHNOLOGICAL ISSUES? WHERE ARE YOU THEN. I’D SAY YOUR STUCK SQUARE IN THE CROSS HAIRS OF A GOD DAMNED QUAGMIRE! WHICH IS RIGHT WHERE WE ARE AT NOW.’
I pulled up to the Grandview taco bell yesterday and some young Mexican kid was there at the window ready to take my money .. as I handed my currency over I told him that I would slip him a 100 dollar bill if he would hook me up with anything I want for life at that particular taco bell .. he grinned as though he didn’t know a word of English and showed me a knife on his belt and said, ‘I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL, MUCHACHO’ .. I went to the next window and told them that I wanted a lot of fire sauce and if that wasn’t gonna float – they could just squirt a mild packet in my mouth so I could hold it and spit it into my silly little soft taco once I got back to my castle.
I’m leaving work yesterday when I nearly run into an older woman with a large silver walker. She’s in her 70’s and looks to be in fairly bad shape. Walking slowly, she stops and says, ‘HI’. I return the same as I walk through the mist towards my auto and making an afternoon supply run for my boss. Then, she says, ‘I KNOW YOU STOLE IT.’ I stop and ask, ‘WHAT?’ She says, ‘IT WAS YOU. I NEVER FORGET A FACE.’ I peer closer and realize that she is still a complete stranger as a cop car comes pulling up into the parking lot about 200 feet away. I ask her, ‘ARE YOU REFERRING TO ME?’ At this point, the cop car come veering towards me as the old woman starts shouting, ‘ROBBER. I HAVE JUST BEEN ROBBED! HELP ME, PLEASE!’ I keep walking towards my auto and click my keychain to automatically open the doors as the cop lights flick on and I realize that a nasty fear is coming true. I turn and laugh as loud as I can as a female cop starts heading towards me with gun pulled and no where to go this afternoon.
In a new BBC report out today, it was reported that the little Owl in the Tootsie Pop commercial took over 82 lashes across his feathered mouth before deciding to sell out his identity into lollipop culture lore.
A telemarketer called me last night asking me if I wanted to take advantage of some special neighborhood rate to get The Dish hooked up for some incredible monthly rate. As I begin describing how I am already getting rid of my cable and the world holds enough entertainment value devoid of Hollywood and their actors, the line goes blank. I ask, ‘HELLO.’ The telemarketer voice comes back, no shit, with the following: ‘LOOK, YOU MISERABLE ANTI-CONSUMER, I AM TIRED OF YOUR SHIT. I’M TIRED OF THIS JOB AND EVERYONE LIKE YOU IN YOUR SMARTASS SLUMBER GIVING ME YOU ANTI-TELEMARKETER SPEECH! FUCK YOU, AND WE’RE COMING TO GET YOU. FUCKIN’ MESSED WITH THE WRONG DUDE!’ At this point, I start hearing rocks lightly hitting the back kitchen window. I go to look at the window, as a huge crash comes through the front window while the our 120 lb. black lab leaps through the hole a brick just ripped through and as suddenly the sound of silence takes over the house. I wait for another sound or flash of activity when the phone rings. I already have it in my hand, so I click ‘ON’ immediately. The voice on the line says, ‘YOU WANT THE DISH NOW, MOTHERFUCKER.’ I tell him to come on back by and I’ll give him the most memorable dish of shit he’s ever eaten. At this, the line is dead. Completely dead. No signal. It has apparently been cut. I send the wife and kid downstairs as I grab a tire iron from the garage and try to remember the cable company’s phone number.
Again, I gain my small, rare nuggets of true wisdom in the car on my way to work today. This time, I find out why some mysterious man feigning himself as a self-made millionaire from the Silicon Valley was trailing me briefly. This man, known as Pat Dobin, was supposedly a part of Army Intelligence in Leavenworth, KS and was new to the area and interested in volunteering at the YMCA. He came in one day asking for an application, threw me questions and gave me a fake identity. The reasoning behind this, whether a practical joke or for work purposes, hexed me for over 2 years until the other day. I deduced that this son-of-a-bitch was trying to measure the length and breadth of my potential anger in regards to a letter I wrote to Leonard Peltier in federal prison. In addition, all the kids in my computer lab/youth program wrote him letters. I had the government sick the boys on my to make sure that I was safe and secure like all the other duct tape owners in Kansas and Missouri.
My pen pal friend in Castelfiorentino, Italy calls me at about midnight last night asking me if she could borrow my car for the day. Hers was broken down and she had no way to get to Florence for some special exhibit she had been planning on seeing at the Ufizi for months. I told her that I was in the United States and that it would be extremely hard. At this, she laughed, told me to lighten up as the phone went dead.
M.
I call the local election precinct today, because I have moved, in anticipation of the 2004 Presidential Election. I talk to a worker that tells me they are canceling the elections for that precinct because of a number of bomb and terrorist threats. I laugh and ask her if they have me on the list to vote there. I heard the news reports of people falling off lists and didn't want to become one of those nasty little coups. She tells me in a deadpan voice that it won’t matter because I cannot vote in my newly moved into precinct. So, I get off the phone and call the main election board downtown and get a recording. Each time I call back, I get the same recording that says, ‘WELCOME TO THE KC ELECTION BOARD. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE TONE AND WE’LL GET BACK WITH YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.’ I have tried this for over a week. No human response yet and there is no e-mail address to send a request on their web site.
A good friend of mine from Arizona calls me up today to tell me that he fell in love with a midget woman and that he is gonna follow her up to Alaska to live in the wilderness to have kids and live off the land. I ask him if his kids will be little like her or big like him. He quickly comes back, ‘JUST AS LONG AS THEY HAVE HAIR ON THEIR HEADS AND A SENSE OF HUMOR.’ I tell him I love all big and little people and that he should send me a postcard. He said that he was completely cutting himself off from civilization, but was gonna give me a cell phone number to call him under one and only one condition. I need to call him if the Pope passes. He wants to know and I gave him my word as he ended our brief conversation with, ‘Good luck in this here society, friend.’
I read a very compelling report today on some underground news source online that carried out an extensive study on female sexual patterns. It was of particular note in this report that women broadcasters have the highest incidents of promiscuity, STD’s and pregnancy. In other words, these news women are some of the most lethal whores on the planet. To back up this claim, I harkened back to just the women of the Weather Channel and concurred with their scientific report.
The Lipton, Luzianne and other like minded Tea companies based in the US have agreed to alter their advertising photos on packaging. Due to a consistently high influx of consumer concern over the years in regards to possible spillage, the company has decided to change their graphic design. According to scathing letters, customers are fed up with seeing a huge spout of tea crashing towards an already full glass of tea and ice cubes on package fronts. The collective sentiment from consumers is that this is just deliberately gonna make an undue mess for marketing purposes and they’re not gonna stand for it. In response, company spokespeople have decided to have a small spout heading square into the bowels of a half to quarter full glass of tea.
This afternoon at about 1:13PM CST, I asked a co-worker if they knew where the boss was. They told me that he ruptured a vocal chord laughing at a near deafening decible about 8 AM in the morning. He was rushed to the emergency room of a local hospital and his status has not been confirmed. After this, I naturally wanted to know what caused such an explosive laughing fit. I was told he heard a leak from a fellow employee that I was demanding an immediate $17,000 raise to offset current dilapidated US economic conditions. Needless to say, I immediately ordered a small bouquet of flowers for his hospital room.
A noteworthy web site has unearthed recent Mayan predictions that the final earthly showdown will happen in Time Square in NYC around 2012. As a site of Armageddon from 9-11-01, the re-match will take place with the end of the world on the line. Apparently, Allah will be piloting a 10 seater craft safely to the streets whereupon he will meet Buddha. Together, they will fight to the death. After a grueling battle replete with live television coverage and ample fans, Jesus will come down to raise the hand of the victor as the rapture begins immediately thereafter.
I get a letter in the mail accusing me of photo plagiarism. Apparently, I illegally used a legal shot of a camera and now I am going down for my prowess at ripping off the easiest picture in the book. I offered to delete all the shots of my current compact card, but I haven’t heard anything since.